Stop Trying to Change Others: 4 Steps to Healthier Relationships

Now that the holidays are over, you’ve likely spent time with people—perhaps relatives—you wish would change. I used to wonder how I could help others change. Now, I don’t.

When I am tempted to and start down that path, I am learning to catch myself and stop taking responsibility for others. I have learned that four steps help me stop and stay out of this mode. These steps have helped me greatly.

Step 1: Remind Yourself You Cannot Change Anyone

First, I remind myself that I cannot change anyone. No matter how badly I want to, no matter how much effort I have spent at it in the past, I cannot change others.

I have tried to help others change in ways that I know would be beneficial for them. However, much to my dismay, it hasn’t worked. I can help others see the need for change, but even this is often a challenge. It is difficult because, in presenting the need for them to change, I easily become the promoter of change. Then again, I could fall into taking responsibility for their change.

Step 2: Be Accountable To Others, Not For Them

Second, I remind myself that I am accountable TO that person but not FOR that person. If I am in a relationship with someone, then I am responsible to be transparent, authentic, and vulnerable to the extent of trust in the relationship.

This would mean that I am accountable to love them as their friend. Included in this kind of relationship would be me being compassionate, kind, and honest about how our relationship could be better. This is speaking the truth to one another in love (Ephesians 4:15–32).

However, God doesn’t hold me accountable for what they do with what I share with them. I am not accountable for their behavior. I believe this is something many parents struggle with as their children enter their late teens and early twenties.

Step 3: Relax and Be a Peaceful Presence

Third, as these two truths sink deeply into my heart, mind, and soul, I begin to relax. I am a peaceful presence around those I am in a relationship with.

I don’t cause their anxiety to become worse due to my anxiety. As I can be my authentic self in that relationship, I am able to be fully engaged with them.

In the past, I would respond out of my own insecurities when I experienced unhealthy behavior and react with an angst that only made things worse. Even today, I am tempted to initially respond out of my insecurities, but in this third step, I become aware of this temptation or reaction and can label it for what it is.

I identify my insecurities and call them what they are. It is like removing a sliver. It is a painful process, but as soon as the sliver is removed, everything settles down.

Step 4: Engage Without Owning Their Issues

Fourth, I can proactively and emotionally engage with the people around me without being anxious, enmeshed, or manipulative.

In the past, I have used all these approaches to get what I desired without positive long-term results. I must be emotionally engaged with others without owning their issues. Sometimes this is a challenge; however, we can grow in our relationship in health as I allow others to process their own issues when and as they desire.

Be the Best Presence You Can Be

I have found these four steps allow me to be the best presence possible in their life. It seems to me that the third step is about me being content in who I am; the fourth step is about me being the best presence in the other person’s life.

I can only be this presence in their life as I am at peace in my own life.